This mornings commute started out pleasantly, I had a seat opposite a cute old couple heading off on holiday, knowing they wouldn’t be disturbing me before my stop, I shuffled into a comfy position, closed my eyes and proceeded to have a much needed doze. The carriage chatter was just a quiet hum of conversation, comforting and easy to block out….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
“OH MY GOD I DON’T BELIEVE IT, LOOK AT THAT”
Jolted rudely from my sleep, I gaze blearily round the carriage looking for the source of all the noise. Then I spotted him, across the isle and a few seats down, the source of the kerfuffle that had ruffled the feathers of my fellow commuters. A business man, incredibly normal looking to all intense and purposes, eagerly leaned over the shocked lady beside him and pointed out the window at the low hanging clouds over a valley in the Pennines.
He looked like a Paul to me, so let us assume that this is his name for the rest of the story. His unwilling companion shall be known as Jane.
“Do you see that? Do you know what that is? Bloody hell I don’t believe it.” Said Paul.
In agreement with the rest of us in the carriage Jane replied “Errmmm, well its bit foggy? Clouds?”
“NO! You see that’s what they want us to think! See I know what it actually is.”
*DRAMATIC PAUSE*
*THE AUDIENCE WAITS WITH BAITED BREATH*
“It’s all a massive government conspiracy” announced Paul.
Oh god, here we go. You can literally see the people around me prick up their ears and let their gaze slide to the windows and the clouds in question.
“It’s all to do with global warming, and it is all totally illegal. The government are using fighter jets to spray chemicals into the air to help cool the earth down. It’s happening all around the world, in the USA, Germany, you name it, and they do it”
At this point the coach becomes divided. Some people roll their eyes and avert their attention back to their books or mobile phones, while others with nothing much better to do continue to earwig. All the while poor Jane looks utterly overwhelmed and unamused. Sensing her lack of belief it his subject of passion, Paul advised her on the best was to prove his point.
“Look at the sky randomly and look at the clouds, they wont be clouds, they will be chemicals hanging in the air. If you don’t believe me you should Google 'Geo Chem Trail'. BETTER YET!!!! Next time you go on BBC weather and it says it’s going to be clear and sunny, you go outside and look, I bet it won’t be clear and sunny and that is because of the jets spraying chemicals, that’s what makes it hazy everywhere….”
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. On commuter snorted loudly at this last comment, and poorly tried to disguise it as a cough. We all knew he was actually sniggering and we all shared smirks with each other. A husband looked to his wife and muttered “the only haze we have hanging over our house is when you spray your bloody hairspray”. She gave him a good whack for that.
Undeterred Paul kept up his tirade of information on the subject in his booming voice. While tempted to put my earphones in, whack it up to full volume and block him out, I was too curious to see where he took this discussion next.
Clearly unused to having an audience trapped with him for the next 25 minutes, Paul went off at a complete tangent. Making comments such as “We are conditioned in school not to question what we are taught. Then we go to uni to get a degree because it’s the ‘done thing’ to do. We are just conditioned to being slaves, just money making machines.”
He leaned back over Jane at this point and said, “ahhh its hard to see the chemicals in the air here because of all the clouds” Naturally, we all looked, and bugger me if the sky didn't look exactly the same as it had 10 minutes ago. I was getting so confused.
“How did you find out all about this Chemical stuff then?” tentatively asked Jane.
I groaned inwardly, why keep baiting him? I’d have moved carriages long ago had I been Jane.
“WELL”, said Paul as he puffed out his chest, “I am glad you asked that! Everyone I knew seemed to keep getting ill and going to the doctors but no one knew what was wrong with them. So I searched the internet and found out all about it. The spray has aluminium and other stuff in it, and of course it settles on the ground and people inhale it. Its toxic stuff you know, which is why it’s illegal and no one knows about it. We are all just the Government’s human Guinea Pigs.”
Oh good to know! I guess my face must have flickered with a little concern; because the rotund gentleman with a horrendous comb-over opposite me leaned across and whispered “I am a chemist and he is talking complete bollocks”. I wasn’t sure if that was reassuring coming from him, but kind nevertheless.
As we pulled in to Manchester Piccadilly, we all breathed a sigh of relief. Paul bid Jane farewell and told her “Don’t let this spoil your day. It’s not as if people are dropping down dead yet! People are getting more and more ill, but I am hoping to have uncovered this to the press before much longer and get it stopped.”
As the train doors open her inhaled deeply, “See! Can you smell the aerosol in the air? That the chemicals.”
I’d only sprayed a little bit of deodorant…….OOPS.
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