The Girl with the 5 Spirals in her Hair, and co.

My apologies dear followers, for my lack of contact lately, but I have been a very busy bunny. A lot can happen in a month, and I feel it is my duty to give you a quick up date. I have waved good-bye to the big smoke, and the horrible tube journeys are now a distant memory. I have moved back to my University City of Leeds, and have begun working for a prestigious television company in Manchester.

This means, of course, that I now have a different commuter route to keep me entertained for 5 hours a day.

So, I have been enduring the journey from Leeds to Manchester and back again for a month now, and I have found it to be uninspiring thus far. This is mostly due to the dark cloud hovering over my head caused by delayed train upon delayed train, bad weather and late returns home. I have resorted to retreating into a good book, or catching up on my favourite TV shows (Downton Abbey and Made in Chelsea), instead of my usual nosy musings of the passengers around me.

I always choose to sit at a table seat if possible, it normally gives you a bit more room to move, and you can stick your bag on the table, freeing up much needed leg room. Today I was joined by a incredibly mismatched business trio, one young hormonally spotty lad (Jack**) who looked fresh out of college, an overweight lady that would send Gok Wan crying into his Louboutins (Lisa**), and a lady that looked like her mid life crisis waiting to happen (Tracey**).

Intrigued by the odd mix, I slyly put my earphones in, but muted the volume on The Andrews Sisters, so I could earwig in secret.

Jack

Let us begin with poor Jack, sat diagonally across from me in a suit 2 times bigger than him, a rucksack that was falling apart at the seams and a juicy spot on his chin that looked ready to erupt at any moment. Looking incredibly uncomfortable to be in the presence of two such dominating female characters, he spent the majority of his journey giggling nervously at what he considered to be the most appropriate times. My powers of deduction worked out that he was on work experience over half term. His Dad is the owner of the company and got him a placement just to get him out of the house and off the Xbox. Clever dad. Half way through the journey, our Jack disappeared off, maybe to the toilet. A little while later, he returned with a ruddy chin, a slight scratch and one, not so terribly well, squeezed spot. I assume he must have scratched himself when the train stopped abruptly at Dewsbury station. Ew! 

Lisa

Lisa is perfectly spherical from the waist up, balanced on tiny legs that could be quite shapely with a bit of exercise and a few less doughnuts. She reminded me of an inverse Weeble, I was surprised she didn’t wobble and fall down. Lisa had made the classic mistake many UK women still make today, she was wearing clothes from a time when she was skinnier and they were still in fashion. I am sure many of you can remember those Lycra, elastic-y tops, made to look like a corset at the bottom and a shirt at the top. You know the ones I mean, with hook and eye fastenings? Well Lisa had squeezed her double FF’s and her jelly belly into one of these. Straining above her trousers and poking out from the bottom of her top, like a giant repulsive Oreo, was a half an inch of white, lardy stomach. *Shudder*

Her trousers were they type I used to wear in high school, standard, black and usually from Next, except my size 12 booty fitted into mine, poor Lisa’s size 16 bootay was pulling very tight at the seams. The effect? Full on camel toe and the seams were starting to resemble the very train tracks we were travelling along. I rather hoped the tracks would last longer than her seams or, bye bye all!.

Lisa has a kind, round face, pretty, even without make up. You could imagine at school, she was the girl that was lovely to everyone and never had a bad word to say. Her fine hair was a little short of shoulder length, mousey brown with a pretty natural wave.

She was just a little clueless when it came to fashion, and dressing correctly for her size.

Tracey

Bloody hell, I am sat next to a walking talking Barbie legend, well that was my first thought. Tracey is the little to Lisa’s large in everything but personality. In her early 50’s she looked liked a Scousewife through and through. Her aura buzzed with an energy that screamed “look at me”, just as much as her false eyelashes, bubblegum pink nails and perma-tan. “Aye raeded me dawtus wardrewb this mornen” she announced to all surrounding passengers, “She weren’t ‘appy, but aye told er that aye paid forem so I can wearem”.  Her (presumably) false bosoms heaved from her low cut fuchsia shirt, and her high waisted skirt failed to give her pin thin figure any curvature. Her hair had taken on the tell tale straw like colour and texture from years of over bleaching.

If ever there was a candidate for Snog, Marry, Avoid, she would be it.

 

During Jack’s absence Lisa and Tracey began to natter profusely. Tracey was slagging off all the ladies in the office and Lisa nodded manically in agreement, clearly glad not to be on the receiving end of such scathing comments. It didn’t take long for the ladies to embark on a hilarious discussion of their beauty regime. Lisa rummaged in her Primarni bag and retrieved a hair clogged hairbrush and proceeded to brush out her pretty waves to form a frizzy mass of brown candy floss. As she lifted her arm the hook and eyes burst open under the strain and revealed an even larger expanse of belly. Continuing on oblivious, she titled her head towards the window, and said “can you see the reddish tint I have, I’ve been using this really nice HEnar (Henna) shampoo. Nice ain’t it?”

Well, I’ve seen black cats that had redder hair than her. Tracey came back with the standard female reply of “ah yeh, aye its really nice, like that aye do, whered’ya buy that frem?” We always feel obliged to tell little white lies so’s not to offend each other, it really is cute. As the conversation progressed, Lisa revealed that before her nights out she'd often put spirals in her hair.

 EXCUSE ME WHAT?!?

“On nights out I put like 5 spirals in my hair with me strengtheners, two either side and then one at the back, you know…just for a bit of a change”

Strengtheners, DUH!

Well, I have heard some things in my time, but I have never heard to someone refer to curling their hair as “putting spirals in” Hello Downton! 

I thought she might be joking, but she carried on adding “sometime they go a bit wonky at the back because I cant reach, so I get me mam to do me spirals for me”. Now while I often frequent the salon of my Mum, she would always be certain to tell me how silly 5 spirals would look in my hair. Well, at least I hoped she would. Will ask her when I next speak to her, just for reassurance you understand?

Nowt as weird as folk eh?!

Gawd, in truth it's a good thing that my thoughts aren't relayed live via tanoy into said carriage. Note to self... try to only think positive thoughts about all of your fellow travellers from now on.

How should we open the Betting Odds on that one?

Watch this space.

Tarrah for now x